Think you might be a redneck? Inspired by the humor of Jeff Foxworthy,
here’s two humorous checklists to see if you’re either a redneck Pagan or Witch.
They have been circulated via email with no author attribution.
You might be a Redneck Pagan if...
... If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
... If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
... If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
... If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
... If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
... If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
... If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
... If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
... If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
... If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
... If your Bard plays the banjo....
... If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
... If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
... If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
... If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
... If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
... If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
... If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
... If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
... If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
... If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
... If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
... If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
... If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
... If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
... If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
... If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
... If you use an engine block for an altar....
... If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
... If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
... If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
... If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
... If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
You might be a Redneck Pagan!
You Might Be A Redneck Witch If....
... If your broom has 4 wheel drive and South Carolina plates…
... If you pray nightly to the God of Big Tires…
... If you have a combined Maypole dance/Tractor pull/Turkey shoot for Beltane…
... If you cancel the Coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View Wrestling…
... If you can play The Burning Times on the banjo…
... If your Covenstead is propped up on cinder blocks…
... If you pray to the Gods of Cheap Beer and NASCAR…
... If your robes are made of demin with Harley-Davidson patches…
... If your favorite Great Rite partners are your first, second, and third cousins…
... If you invoke the spirits to make your beer last longer…
... If your favorite libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still…
... If your favorite picture of the Goddess says "Miss September"…
... If you sacrifice barbecue and pork rinds on an altar made of old car hoods…
... If your altar cloth is a confederate flag…
... If you have prayed to a Bud Beer can…
... If you ever used a Keg for a cauldron…
... If your familiar is a possum or a coon dog…
... If your ceremonial robe is Bubba's oversized tee shirt…
... If you learned potion making from watching Granny on the Beverly Hillbillies…
... If you use large fuzzy dice for rune casting…
You might be a redneck witch!