The first "exercise" in the book dealt with the "Cave of Sorrows". I was asked to meditate upon a Cave, where I would confront my deepest fears. This is a necessary step in becoming a Shaman, I was told. I pictured a Cave, deep in the heart of the New Mexico Desert. (No, I have never been there. Why there I may never know. Perhaps I should have chosen a cave in the Heldebergs, but I didn't. The southwestern desert is what came to me.) It was a hard scramble to get to the rock ledge where the opening to the Cave was. Once upon this ledge, I could see the whole of the desert spread before me. On the ledge, protected by an overhang of rock, I decided to build a fire pit with a Sacred fire to protect me as I confronted my fears. (I am Flame, after all, although in the Spirit world I appear as a man!)
After building the fire, I turned around and entered the Cave. I found myself winding down a twisted passage; I felt it was constructed in such a way as to obscure any light that might seep in behind me. It felt like a Birthing tunnel. I entered the cave in darkness, yet I could (faintly) see. I was told (from the directions in the book) to construct a circle about me, to keep me safe, to contain me. This I did, and drew a circle of glowing silver light with my athame on the floor, to forever define my sacred space within this cave.
I sat within my circle, and waited. I tried to concentrate on my fears, and awaited how my fears would appear to me from within the depths of the cave. And then...movement. I strained my eyes, and from the gloom appeared a Tortoise! What am I supposed to do with a Tortoise? I felt that my mind must be wandering, and I tried to banish the vision of Tortoise and remember why I am here. I am supposed to be plumbing the depths of my deepest fears...but Tortoise won't go away! I decide, O.K., Tortoise it is...Speak to me...
This is where I truly began my Journey. Instead of guiding myself through a nice safe little meditation, the vision swept me away and carried me to it's own destination.
Tortoise spoke to me for quite a long time...most of which was for my hearing only. But then he tells me, Why don't you fly? I am here also to show you that you have wings...
I stand within my circle of glowing light, and raise my arms out from my sides...and from my arms spread magnificent Hawk wings. With this knowledge, an opening appears in the ceiling of the cave and I float upward into the blue sky. I Shift into Hawk, and soar on the currents of air above me. Slowly, I drift back down, and re-enter the Cave as the Winged Man again. I return standing within my circle, and at my feet, a crow is pecking at seeds. Overwhelmed, I thank Tortoise and leave the cave. I add a few pieces of wood to my fire, to keep it burning until I can return. I return to my bedroom transformed, and shaken.
I was shaken for a number of reasons: I was unprepared to confront the things that Tortoise had talked to me about, and I was unprepared for the incredible intensity of the journey itself. I didn't guide the vision, the vision guided me. (Of course, now I know that this is precisely the whole idea!) Still, I was totally unprepared for this, and it left me rather shook up.
I decided to put the book aside, and wait until I felt myself better prepared. In February, I found another book called Fire in the Head "Celtic Shamanism". This book opened my eyes to some fundamental aspects of myself, and gave me the courage to try again. Now, I felt, I was ready.
It had been many months since my first journey, and I was a bit nervous. I didn't know what to expect, and I was worried that perhaps the first vision was just a fantasy, after all. Time has a way of fading even the most intense of experiences. I finally decided to go back to the cave and see if I could talk to Tortoise a bit more.
~Flame RavenHawk